RFK Announces SNAP to Be Replaced With SPAP, Providing Peptides to the Least Jacked Americans
Eligibility will be determined by a shirtless means test at the county office.
Calling it “the most important nutrition reform since the invention of the protein shaker,” Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced Wednesday that the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program will be phased out and replaced with SPAP, the Supplemental Peptide Assistance Program.
“For too long, America’s least jacked have been left behind,” Kennedy said at a press conference held at a public gym, between sets. “No more. Every American deserves the chance to recover faster, sleep deeper, and look incredible in a tank top.”
Under the new program, benefits will be loaded onto an EBT card redeemable for a rotating selection of research peptides, all clearly labeled “not for human consumption,” which the program will distribute for human consumption.
Eligibility will be determined by a new “Jackedness Means Test.” Applicants must report to their county office, remove their shirt, and flex in front of a caseworker. Those who fall below the federal Jacked Line will qualify for full benefits.
Asked why the announcement came from his department when SNAP is run by an entirely different one, Kennedy aide Colt Barringer called the distinction “a technicality.” “Food is just slow peptides,” he added.
Approved SPAP retailers will include licensed pharmacies, select gas stations, and “any guy named Tyler with a cooler in his trunk.” Recipients will no longer be able to purchase groceries, though officials said bread will remain available “in theory.”
At press time, the department had released an informational video explaining the program, which consisted of 11 minutes of cold plunging.
This article is satire. It is fiction. Nothing in it happened, though some of it probably should not have.