Local Man Reaches Recommended Daily Intake of Proprietary Blend
Achievement verified by nobody, since nobody knows what the intake is.
Area resident and self-described “stack guy” Kevin Drummond, 38, announced Thursday that he has finally reached the recommended daily intake of his favorite proprietary blend, a milestone he describes as “the result of years of discipline and also guessing.”
The blend, listed on the label as “Thermo-Neuro Matrix™ 1,850 mg,” contains an undisclosed ratio of eleven ingredients, which Drummond estimates includes “mostly the good ones.”
“Some people said it couldn’t be done, because the amount of each ingredient is a trade secret,” said Drummond, flexing in a way that suggested he was not sure which muscle to flex. “But I just kept taking it until I felt like I’d taken enough.”
Drummond’s achievement could not be independently confirmed, as the recommended daily intake for the blend does not exist. Jenna Voight, a spokesperson for the manufacturer, said the proper serving is “one scoop, or until you feel it,” and declined to say what “it” is.
Registered dietitian Paul Okafor said there is no known way to reach a daily value for an amount that has never been disclosed, but conceded that Drummond “does seem very confident.”
Drummond plans to celebrate by doubling his intake, which he believes will put him at roughly 200 percent of an unknown number.
This article is satire. It is fiction. Nothing in it happened, though some of it probably should not have.